my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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