the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
