just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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