Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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