I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
