I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
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