Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Randomize
