i just wanna soil my oats bro
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
