my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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