I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
