gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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