three words: i give head
three words: not that well
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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