I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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