I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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