I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I can't turn off my feet"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
