big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
im about as happy as oj after his trial
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
