She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
