These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize