I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
