I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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