My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Is Oprah even human
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
