Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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