remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
