Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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