I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
