Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
