Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize