my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
