Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
