If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
