Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
