I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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