why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
