totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
