i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
