Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize