i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
