but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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