News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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