Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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