my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
How naked do you want me to be?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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