if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
well you can't waste a boner
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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