the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
