He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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