I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
