Me. At least after what I've been through.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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