shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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