i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
