i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
