Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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