i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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