Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
