I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
