I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
