In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
