So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
