just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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