My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
